Straw Hat's OOC Job Bash!
by Written Fairground
Summary: What happens when I throw the Straw Hats into jobs of our world? Stupid, Unsystematic fun, that's what! Rated T for language. Read, review and enjoy!
1. Buggy Burger

**Author's Note:**

**Hoy boy. How do I explain this one? **

**Well, I start nursing school next week, right? And since I'm new to this whole adult thing, I was breaking down with nerves today. Needless to say, I needed the power of One Piece to sooth my nerves! Rather than re-read Thriller Bark for the 857th**** time, I decided to help out my being chunked into the world with a bit of help by them. Making my times at school not seem so bad compared to this. **

**This will be an irregular series of Straw Hats in jobs I deem to be hell or just humorous of their presence. Plus I need to practice humor writing. Yes, Carmen is based off me. No, my name is not Carmen.**

**Hope you have fun reading this!**

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"And you want that in a large, right?"

"No! I said a small!"

"But if you get a large, think of how much you get for only a few cents more!"

"Are you mentally challenged? I want a small, for crying out loud!"

Luffy sighed and slouched out of frustration. "You're sure?" He extenuated his plea.

"Luffy!" I screeched, yanking the head piece from him. My first day as Vice-Manager, and already the stupid kid had caused four people to drive away in anger, two of which waved fingers into our windows. No one but him wanted Drive-Thru duty, and I was beginning to wonder why. I placed the contraption on my head as Luffy cried out in annoyance. "Welcome to Buggy Burger, I'm sorry, what was your-"

"DO YOU THINK THAT IT'S FUNNY THAT I HAVE BEEN HERE FOR THIRTY MINUTES ATTEMPTING TO BUY A BURGER?" The woman snarled.

"No, not at all, ma'am." I punched a few buttons on the register. "Now, that's one small burger and a medium water. Anything else?"

"I had better get a fucking discount."

"The burger is free, just for you. My apologies. Your total is then…" I looked down in horror at the machine. "…Free. Please pull around."

I heard the rev of an engine and hoped that this woman wasn't going to be a muscle builder. To my delight and relief, she was just large in a softer way. I hurriedly snatched the order from Usopp's hands and shoved them out the window. "Deeply sorry." I feigned care in my voice. "I do hope you'll co-"

"Don't count on it." She threw a handful of cigarette butts into the window and slammed on the gas. Removing the headset, I rounded on the three closest employees. Luffy, Usopp and Brook; all of which shrieked when at the sight of my face.

"WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?" I shouted, shoving the headset in Luffy hands.

I hate when more than one person talk at once.

"How could you not want a large burger?" He groaned, playing with the headset. "I was trying to help the costumer."

"Why are you yelling at me?" Usopp demanded on top of Luffy's explination, adjusting his backwards cap. "He's the idiot who gave her a hard time!"

"You should have stepped up!" I squished the bridge of my nose. "Brook, where is your hair net?"

"Yohoho! I cannot fit it around my quite voluminous hair!"

Aggravation driving into my temples, it was all I could not to smash Brook in the face. Today was the worst first day of any job in the history of fast food restaurants. In addition to Luffy's hold up of the driving costumers; I had caught Zoro sleeping peacefully in the kid's place pit, Robin's nose in a book while she should have been watching the fries and Nami counting the money in the register as costumers screamed their orders and fury.

"Just…try to put it on, okay?" I clasped my hands together, begging the Skeleton. "So if the manager comes in, I won't be dead."

"If I may…see you pan-"

I hushed him with a half yell of frustration. "Not again! I said no!"

You see, that's why I took Brook of register duty.

"Erm, Carmen?" Usopp tapped my shoulder. At least someone here knew my name.

"Yes?"

"I think you might want to take a look at the smoothie machine."

What now? "I thought I told Franky to fix it, if he's slacking off I'm goin- ARGH!" My hands flew to my hair as my eyes met the sight of something at least five times bigger than the actual smoothie machine I had found dented and broken two hours ago. Instead, it was larger, brighter and had more tubes than I could count. Spewing great quantities of smoothie all while soft jazz played from the depths of it's metal body. And was that…is that an alarm clock on the front? "FRANKY!" I hollered.

I dashed over towards it, leaving Luffy to tend to the Drive-Thru yet again. Shoving past Brook, who was fighting a net over his afro, I skidded a halt in front of the contraption. My mouth gaping at it, all I could so was make choking noises of anger. Sanji leaned from out the kitchen window to look at me.

"Ah, Miss Carmen, what has made a blissful sight like you cry out?" He swooned.

"Not _now_, Cook!" I snapped. "FRANKY WHERE ARE YOU?"

The door to the janitor's closet boomed open, and out stepped Franky. He was wiping his hands off on one of our napkins. "Oh, hey Carmen! Did you see the smoothie maker? How super is it now? I call it: The Super Smoothie 7000!" He pressed a button and a neon light flashed atop it with it's own name.

"It's….I don't…why…is that jazz?" I pointed at it with my shoulders stooped in defeat.

"It is! I was building the alarm clock in and thought to myself: 'Hey, Franky, you know what smoothies makes you think of? Jazz!'" He patted the machine, it rumbled and poured more smoothie into a cup. "It's also touch activated. And here, in this little door is a bottle opener and -"

"We don't need all this!" My hands flew back to my hair. "I just need a machine that makes a delicious icy beverage for people! NOT A STERO!"

"Then you won't like the adjustments I plan to make to the Playground do you?"

"TOUCH IT AND YOUR FIRED!"

"You need to take a chill pill, bro!" Franky shrugged and took out a wrench. "I just made some super advances on-"

"Fix this." I needed aspirin, I needed it before my brains painted the ceiling and the walls. Going through the kitchen, I swatted off Sanji and tried to force Chopper into a net as well. I then gave up and decided that my brain's health was more important than figuring out how an animal wears a net. Taking a deep breath, I went to the door marked: MANAGER'S OFFICE.

The water jug in the corner bubbled as I poured it's contents into a paper cup and made my way over to the desk to get the pills. My trip was cut short by…snores? Oh, you have got to kidding me.

"WAKE UP, ZORO." I kicked the green-haired man over as he slept. His mouth open and drooling it's nastiness all over my carpet. It took another kick and my cup full of water to actually force his eyes open. He sputtered and rubbed his chest where I had planted my foot.

"What was that for?"

"Why are you sleeping here?" I thought for a second. "Or at all?"

"Because I'm tired?"

"Get back to work."

"But I don't like the way those costumers look at me. Like, I'm such a freak." He stood up, dusting off his rear.

"Zoro, you have green hair."

"So? It's natural."

"NOT REALLY!" I pointed to the door. "Now go take orders and give feeble meaning to your dull, dull life!"

Snatching the pills from the desk and gulping them down dry, I followed Zoro out the door. If I didn't follow him, he'd go sleep in a booth, I bet. Once again, I beat off Sanji and was greeted by utter catastrophe as I went out the kitchen door.

Why does this keep happening? Angry cries came from the counter area. Either Robin, Nami or Zoro had done something to upset people. And so help me God, if it's Zoro, I'm calling the World Records for fastest screw up after a scolding.

The shouts became clear as I neared the front.

"I should get two dollars back!"

"Sorry, but we have instigated a tip policy. Two dollar of each payment goes to the woman who took your order!" Nami jeered into the face of a boy with pink hair.

The boy didn't believe her. "What if I had had exact change? Then what?'

"Then you'd be kicked out." She smiled. "You're order number is 492, NEXT!"

"NAMI!" She turned to look at me, her face falling under my authority over her. Her hand instantly hit the register and it chirped open, she then drew out two bucks and threw them to the boy. Amazingly, she had done this all without looking. Her grin didn't ebb my bad mood away.

I dashed to the front, and put my hands on the counter. "I'm so sorry, sir! We have no policy of the sort and if you want I can give you a discount on your next order."

"No, it's fine." He sighed, took his order number and trotted off.

I rounded on the red-head, who backed down and giggled fretfully. "Look! Don't be mad at me!"

"Oh, I'm mad at you."

"It was Zoro! He told me such a policy existed!"

Zoro stopped taking a costumer's order and scoffed. "I did not!"

Robin finished the receiving an order. "You know, we should put out a tip jar. That would help Nami quit her little obsession."

Seconds away from punching all three of them, the only thing that held me back was the sound of a car horns bleating deafeningly from the Drive-Thru hole. Screaming, I ran to try and catch Luffy's doings, but was stopped by Franky who started to tell me about how he could make the machine launch the drinks to the consumers. As I tried to get away from him to help Luffy, Brook ran by with the net I had given him tangled in his ribcage.

He cried out and ran into Usopp, who spilled the fries with the order number of 492 written on its side he was carrying to the counter all on the floor. The Cook leaned his head from the kitchen window and began to shout about how this was disgrace to his work, as Nami refused to give the pink haired boy new fries without pay. All while Robin took out her book, Chopper tried to calm down the room and the car horns from outside were still beeping.

"EVERYBODY, SHUT UP!" Boomed a voice from over head and the place fell as silent as a grave. Oh no. OH NO. It was my boss…Mr. Kuma!

I turned to see his tan face inches from mine, his usual book firmly under his arm. My blood froze over as he gave me a menacingly plain look. Gulping, I waved at him slowly. "Hello…Mr….Kuma…"

"Carmen," He straightened up and liked his thumb. "Where would you like to work if you could work anywhere?"

"Um…Gamestop?" I pleaded.

He flicked the pages of his book and tore out a page. Once he handed it too me, I knew what it was. "Then I suggest you apply there. And all you guys should too." His eyes looked over the shop from behind his glasses. "Since you're all fired."

"Aw, that sucks." Luffy tossed the headset out the window and took off his visor. "Well, let's go find a new job!"

My mouth was gaping as I rested my shoulder on the front of the Super Smoothie 7000.

Franky forgot to take off the touch activation.

And those white pants were brand new too.

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**A/N:**

**I would buy the Super Smoothie 7000.**

**Can you guys guess who the pink haired boy is?**

**Thanks for reading!**


	2. Mihawk's Sporting Equipment Emporium

_Author's Note_

_I posted this on Arlong Park's forums and it got pretty good responses. So, I figured I could continue. Akainu looks just like an American Baseball coach, and that makes me smile._

"_**GO LONG!"**_

_**Usopp tripped over a rack of oars. "Aw, these stupid things always get in the way!" Turning, he started to collect the wooden sticks into a neat pile just as the football Luffy had been chunking pegged him squarely in the back of the head. He stumble forward and swore loudly. "LUFFY!"**_

_**The smiling, dark-haired boy held his sides and laughed loudly. "Next time hit them out of the way with the oars!"**_

"_**This isn't hockey!" He dusted off his uniform. "If it were, I'd win because I'm t-"**_

"_**WHAT NOW?"**_

_**I skid around a shelf and glared daggers at the two young men. We had all mysteriously transferred to Mihawk's Sports Equipment Emporium that stood two doors down from Buggy Burger. To keep my nerves from bursting due to working from them again, I'd have to achieve Nirvana. At least I wasn't in charge this time, just a humble store worker, stacking up knee pads when I heard Usopp screech Luffy's name.**_

"_**Oh, hey, Carmen!" Luffy said, holding up a hand as a hello. "You want to join us in Luffy Ball? It's so fun, see if you bleed than you have to give me meat."**_

"_**I don't want to play your outrageous pastime!" I said, grabbing the ball from his grasp. "I just want to keep my job!" **_

"_**Why would playing this game keep you from having a job?" Usopp said, nursing the back of his head with his hand. **_

"_**Bad luck follows you guys. And I just know I'll get caught up in it." I dropped the ball to the ground. It bounced in place before rolling away and under a shelf. "So, behave?"**_

_**Luffy snorted and turned to look for a new source of fun. Covering his eye with his hand, he looked about the room, before settling on the ping pong table set up for display towards the front of the store. A goofy grin broke out on his face as he dashed towards the set. Before I could make a snatch at his uniform, the beeper on the front door sounded. And since it was clear that I was the only one with sense, I walked towards the door with a fake smile on.**_

"_**Welcome to Mihawk's Sporting Goods! Do you need help finding anything today?" Chipper tones were my quality.**_

_**The man was huge. With an angry expression that he was probably born with, it was like he came out of the womb like: "Man, I hate this place." A baseball cap firmly on his scalp and a crude red t-shit on over cargo pants, I kind of wished Franky wasn't busy setting up the weights display in the back. I had recognized this guy from the papers, a local head Sheriff named Akainu. What was he doing in a sports store? Gulping, I still smiled as he looked down on me through squinted eyes. **_

"_**I'm in need of baseball equipment." He said gruffly, looking at me like I was sick on his doorstep.**_

_**Raising one dark eyebrow, I nodded him to follow me. "We have the good stuff towards the back, Sheriff!"**_

"_**Indeed." He stomped behind me, and I swear the shelves were diving out of his way. "Do you know anything about the equipment? Because I sure as hell don't."**_

"_**Erm…" Do I say no? Would that look bad if a sports store employee has no earthly idea about sports in general? "Well…I can tell you the basics."**_

_**Groaning, he put his hands on his hips. I saw that his cell phone was strapped to his belt and then thanked his didn't carry his gun to shop. "I can't believe they roped me into coaching the company baseball team this year."**_

"_**Sounds rough, sir." I pointed to a wall of bats and gloves. "That's what we have for that. The baseballs are towards the front, but I heard some men in here the other day saying to get your mitt first because it's be-"**_

_**A loud sound crash was heard in the direct of Luffy. My blood ran cold in my face. "W-would you excuse me for a moment, sir?" I managed to stammer out before going into a full blown sprint to the front. Of course it was a scene, what else? Luffy was cheering up and down on one side of the ping pong table, hands over his head. Robin was on the other side, several of her strange arms sprouted on the green table top. It looked like some kind of zombie arm garden. In each of her clutches, held a paddle. Behind her a display of hockey mask was scatter on the floor with Chopper leaping through them, chortling. **_

"_**ROBIN! That was such a good play! But I got you good, didn't I?" Luffy yelled, high fiving one of her closer arms. **_

"_**YOU TWO!" I bellowed, starting to snatch the paddles from Robin's hands. "Get a grip! We were having such a good day too! Can't you two go quietly do something like Zoro and Franky?" Surprisingly, the cyborg and swordsman had giving body-builders advice all morning. Even Chopper had helped a few of the bulky men while he was in his gorilla form. **_

_**Robin simply retracted her hands and smiled. "It was a good game though, look. We've attracted a crowd." She looked sideways out the large window. And sure enough, a large crowd passerby people were booing my interruption, their hands cupped over their mouths and fist in air. All I could glare and think about how stupid I looked with paddles laden in arms. **_

_**It was moment a soccer ball rocketed through the air and crashed into the ping pong table, sending splinters of wood soaring into the atmosphere. Backing away, I dropped my arm load onto the floor. Robin eyed the ball with question, and stuck her foot out to stop little Chopper from dashing for it. Luffy, who was still in a jeer about the apparently epic game, snagged the ball and rolled it over to a piece of paper taped to the side. **_

"_**It's a love note…" He laughed, tearing it off. "For you, Carmen!"**_

"_**What?" Taking it as he handed it to me, I read it over. It loopy writing, complete with hearts dotting the anything with an 'I', it was a passionate love note from Sanji. As I scanned the futility of it's contents, I noticed that Nami's name was scratched out at the end of the letter and it had been crumpled before. Moaning, I turned to the counter to see Sanji smiling at me, waving with a glint in his eye. "This again…NO I SAID!" Throwing the note about half a foot away, paper never goes anywhere. **_

"_**Ah, you're so adorable when you're mad." He sighed, leaning an elbow on the counter. **_

_**Tightening my ponytail, I decided to go check on Franky. "You guys clean this up! You hear?"**_

_**They nodded and began to pick up the pieces. Well, Robin's hands did. She just stood there monitoring and ignoring the catcalls from outside the window. I paced over to the weights in the back and prayed that Franky didn't build it into a robot. And, as usual, before I could finish my task, I noticed that Zoro was standing in front of a rack of football helmets. But he wasn't moving. Oh….don't tell me…**_

_**Grabbing a rag from a mannequin adorned in some swimming attire, I hurled it at the back of his drooped head. Then I cursed how rags are almost in slow motion when thrown and the fact it will have no effect on his life status, it smacked him on the back. When it collided it made a sound like a wet mop hitting the floor. Zoro almost jumped out of his shoes. Spinning to get a glimpse at the source of the attack, he spotted me with my fist raised and looked quizzically at me. He even waved! Death must put up a good disguise. **_

"_**What are you DOING?" I pointed a finger at him, glaring flames. "PREPARE TO DIE!"**_

"_**WHAT?" He said loudly. Actually, really loudly. Deaf? **_

"_**I said…!" **_

"_**HANG ON!" He put up a hand to quiet me, and pulled on a cord. Out popped the two buds that had been placed into his ears. Headphones? **_

"_**You're listening to MUSIC? And SLEEPING?"**_

_**He looked like I had just asked him why we eat and drink. "This song is really relaxing."**_

"_**Well…just take those out and get back to work. I don't want to be fired today an-"**_

"_**WHAT IS ALL THIS?" Rang the voice of Mihwak, naturally. **_

_**Nevermind. **_

_**Hope you enjoyed!**_


End file.
